The Foul, Foul Stench

Consider the following scenic view:

Now, a normal person viewing this picture might wonder what I could possibly have to complain about. No signs are clearly being obstructed, and ginko trees have an appearance that is at once exotic and interesting. But for three months of the year, these insidious monstrosities drop seedpods that, when crushed underfoot, smell strongly of a mixture of acrid dogshit and vomit. I am neither exagerating nor waxing metaphorical: that is exactly what it smells like.

You see, these are female ginko trees. Like some other types of trees, ginkos have clear gender, meaning that some produce pollen and others produce fruit. In this case, the trees apparently produce invisible, diarhetic dogs who shit everywhere. Or possibly just airborne stinkbombs.

It's not clear who's the asshole when it comes to planting them. Was it the salespeople? Surely, someone who knows trees must have known, "Heh, in a few years these things will start dropping slimeballs that, if stuck to a shoe, will track foul odors everywhere." And you'd think the salesperson would know trees. Or maybe the people who planted them were bad people, cackling to themselves as they planted the adorable little saplings, then retiring and watching from lawn chairs while hapless pedestrians tread through the contents of airline motion sickness bags.

But one thing is sure: the assholes today are plant-loving civil servants of the Portland City Council. Now we can't cut the fucker down. It's like naming an insutrial accident a heritage site. Fuckers!

An Asshole Committee

This intersection baffles me. One-way street, and BOTH street signs are obstructed by trees. Do you have any idea what street this is? Perhaps a person might be able to learn this by, oh, reading the pagan-plugging signs!

I can only imagine there's a whole neighborhood of assholes here. Every last baby-dropping one of them. I mean, there's a nursery/greenhouse supplies store half a block away! These chode warts couldn't walk 100 feet to buy some thrice-damned clippers? Crawl out from their crawlspaces to saw off the errant branches? Come on!

"But gentle blogger," you might say in a soothing voice, "you have posted a crappy low-res picture. How are we to truly judge whether the locals are truly to blame? Perhaps the signs really are readable."

I'm glad I pretended you asked. Implementing the "zoom" feature on my camera and using the power of photoshop, I have brought the signs in question into sharp relief, so that all may just the situation fairly.

Unbelievable.


Fucking Unbelievable.

The Shrub That Started It All

This is exactly what I'm talking about. Look at this fucker. Can you see the sign? No? I sure couldn't. Missed the goddamn turn five times.

Note the craftsmanship. This asshole wasn't content to simply let this free-standing bush go wild - no, he trimmed the bush right up to the point that the sign starts. Maybe he's a lazy sloth-sucker who can't be bothered to climb a ladder far enough to get those couple extra branches.

I swear to God, this son-of-goats had better sharpen those clippers and get off his ass.

Laying the Groundwork

Welcome to the site! Fertile though my hate may be, it's taking me a little while to get these angry seeds to sprout. Check back soon to see my rage blossom!