The Foul, Foul Stench

Consider the following scenic view:

Now, a normal person viewing this picture might wonder what I could possibly have to complain about. No signs are clearly being obstructed, and ginko trees have an appearance that is at once exotic and interesting. But for three months of the year, these insidious monstrosities drop seedpods that, when crushed underfoot, smell strongly of a mixture of acrid dogshit and vomit. I am neither exagerating nor waxing metaphorical: that is exactly what it smells like.

You see, these are female ginko trees. Like some other types of trees, ginkos have clear gender, meaning that some produce pollen and others produce fruit. In this case, the trees apparently produce invisible, diarhetic dogs who shit everywhere. Or possibly just airborne stinkbombs.

It's not clear who's the asshole when it comes to planting them. Was it the salespeople? Surely, someone who knows trees must have known, "Heh, in a few years these things will start dropping slimeballs that, if stuck to a shoe, will track foul odors everywhere." And you'd think the salesperson would know trees. Or maybe the people who planted them were bad people, cackling to themselves as they planted the adorable little saplings, then retiring and watching from lawn chairs while hapless pedestrians tread through the contents of airline motion sickness bags.

But one thing is sure: the assholes today are plant-loving civil servants of the Portland City Council. Now we can't cut the fucker down. It's like naming an insutrial accident a heritage site. Fuckers!